I know I wrote about the “Atlas of the Heart” last week, but I’m obsessed with this book, and I need to share my latest learnings. This week, the subject I want to talk about is “hopelessness.” Brené Brown explains that while hope is not a feeling, the lack of it is.

According to the author’s studies, hopelessness is a feeling that happens when we fail to set realistic goals. And even when we can have an achievable goal, we have a low tolerance for frustration. Those who live without hope tend to give up when they fail.

Breathe this information in with me: hopelessness affects the way we draw our goals and the process of achieving them. When an adult feels hopeless, he doesn’t believe he can get what he wants.

The author follows the explanation and presents us with the thesis. We build our sense of hope during childhood in relationships based on boundaries, support, and consistency.

I am inquisitive about the impacts of child nurturing on adult life. Like millions of other kids with different family histories, I didn’t have the opportunity to know boundaries, support, and consistency in childhood. The consequences of the lack of structure are fragile self-esteem, difficulty in creating realistic goals, and a low tolerance for frustration. 

Brené Brown explains the effects of hopelessness on adulthood

I do not think about those as a victim. Before reaching me, the system got my ancestors. Today, I see a possibility of change. I don’t see my past lack of opportunity as condemnation. On the contrary, what was once lacking is now the interest in studies and essays like this one. Studying is my sentence of freedom from what was chosen before me. Researching what I didn’t have opens up the possibility of breaking the cycle and building a life based on my choices and not on my absences.

In Brazil, we repeat patterns that, in my view, encourage an individual’s emotional dependence. When a kid achieves something, it is common to say, “you did nothing more than your duty.” I believe it is a cultural aspect that does not make room for the much-needed support in building the personality of an emotionally healthy adult.

It’s not an obvious conclusion, but children who don’t know emotional support become spoiled adults, unfit for the job market, dependent and irresponsible. Adults need to believe they are their own foundation to achieve attainable goals. It takes a level of clarity to let go of old behavioral addictions and not succumb to boredom, dissatisfaction, and lack of boundaries.

Building hope – which I translate as self-esteem – is a daily process. I think I have a more realistic perception of what I want for my life with maturity. I would like to end this essay with a reflection based on my observations. The consequences of hopeless families are unprepared and unhappy adults.