Two years ago, I chose to stop smoking because of the pandemic and wanted to quit for a long time. Cigarettes were part of my life for almost 15 years, and, unlike some friends who smoke “recreationally,” my relationship was one of addiction. A habit for when I was anxious, sad, bored, insecure, or feeling all that at the same time. Having a cigarette in my left hand and your cell phone in my right hand was like putting on a barrier against feelings you couldn’t deal with or even identify.

I was a shy child. I lived torn between two worlds in which I felt inadequate. I don’t know if my shyness originated from inadequacy or the other way around. But it was at this time I met a lifelong partner, anxiety.

All my life, I felt like an outsider

My reality was to live waiting for the next event, the next fight, the next opportunity to alienate myself. Living over crises and absences, I got used to spending time escaping in paper boats, being a foreigner to my reality. Imagination was my first addiction. With adolescence came others.

No one talks about obsessions because they fill our days and keep us company in inadequacy, appearing to diminish what bothers us. Every child and teenager wants to fit in. And nothing better to feel less weird than fashionable clothes, sneakers that everyone wears, and, depending on the group, a cigarette in hand.

Adults want to belong too, but the bars are higher, the responsibilities more serious, and the risks more significant. When I arrived in New York, I saw “healthy” people running in the street, rain, shine, or blizzard, and I thought they were either crazy or had something to teach me.

I realized that running is just another dependency almost four years later because going through 24 hours without addictions is hard! You can ask Chico Buarque, a Brazilian singer who wrote, “without the cachaça (Brazilian vodka), no one can handle life.” And no one can. The challenge is to choose your addiction well.

Are your habits helping you to succeed?

As I tried to quit smoking, my psychologist asked a question that still haunts me: What do you want to be like at 80? How could I answer if, until that moment, I didn’t know I could choose? For me, routines, obligations, joy, and addictions (of course!) arrived without the blue or red pill option.

Choosing is taking responsibility, aligning with your truth, accepting your capabilities, and investing in what’s good for you. That’s my current definition. You can find one that best fits your moment in life.

I quit smoking, but the day continued to last 24 hours that I was supposed to fill in the middle of the pandemic. I had to adapt. I was replacing idleness with rituals.

I started taking yoga classes at home, taking care of food, walking in the park during the summer, reading and writing more, and studying Italian and Portuguese. And when it was possible, I finally started going to the gym.

Follow my thought: everyone needs automatic habits to go through life. The trick is to find people with addictions similar to those you want to acquire. You won’t feel like an alien in a group of earthlings, and your reality will be lighter.

Today, I (who knew?!) numb myself from anxieties, boredom, sadness, insecurities, and frustrations running. I run 3 km daily in a gym with a controlled temperature. And don’t be alarmed if you see me posting pictures at running competitions. What moves us in life are the challenges we can overcome.

Today’s message is: choose addictions that help you live the life you want and alienate yourself with a conscience.