Last Sunday, I recorded the podcast “Com Sotaque” with Natalia Baldochi and discussed family. The podcast’s theme was love, and I told her my story, but before building a family with my wife, I re-signified the concept of the word several times throughout my life.

Let’s start from the beginning. According to the Portuguese Houaiss Dictionary, family is “the social nucleus of people united by affective bonds, who generally share the same space and maintain a solidary relationship.”

Note that genetics does not appear once in the dictionary description. Many LGBTQ+ people are not accepted by blood relatives and seek families in safer spaces. It wasn’t much different for me, but you can hear the whole story on the podcast in June. Today, I want to talk about family in immigration.

You may feel purposeless when you live abroad

When we live abroad, we may feel isolated and without purpose. I moved to the United States with a wife visa, and I know many women who did the same. Isolation can be harder since we “have nowhere to go.”

In the first few months after moving, I often heard, “I wish I had your life,” when I said I still couldn’t work. In my head, it was saying that I was in a dependency role for a few months, but random people thought I was taking a sabbatical year. In their mind, I was free to enjoy whatever I wanted.

I didn’t feel free. On the contrary, I felt like losing control of my own life. With a feeling of loss of control, anxiety, and no friends, I started to build my roots in New York City.

When we become immigrants, we have to adapt to many things, including not having physical proximity – remember the concept of family? – with those who have been with us for a long time.

A family is a safe place

When we arrive in a new country, we need to relearn basic things (such as how to cook rice), adapt and change our tastes, learn about climatic differences, and more. We go through all this without the support of a solidarity network made up of people who do not judge our weaknesses, can reach out in difficult times, and celebrate our achievements.

In the vortex of adaptation, surrounded by a different language, we need to establish affective bonds and solidary relationships with those we are still getting to know.

A family is a safe place. With a lot of support from the people we trust, we create hope, build self-esteem, and learn to be our foundation.

Before closing, I want to leave a message I wrote a long time ago on vacation at a family house that doesn’t share my last name. Love, when it exists, envelops the whole house, no matter how big it may be, and transforms beings, apparently strangers to each other, into families.

I got used to creating affective bonds and supportive relationships outside the home early on. I was lucky to form several families of friends from different backgrounds who taught me to trust my best version. Some are still with me, and others are on their quests.

When I arrived in the United States, the concept of family was already broad for me. I’m happy to keep the doors open for new friends and associates.