If you follow me on Instagram, you know I took a tour of New York’s ‘gilded age’ mansions last weekend. It has this name because of the HBO series.

The TV show plot is about the “new rich” desire to belong in New York’s traditional society. I was curious about the tour, knew little about the city’s history, and had never heard of some names the guide mentioned. Even being fascinated by history, the life of a businessman who arrived poor in the city and built a great fortune caught my attention.

Honestly, I’ve been thinking about where we settle in society for some time now, and I have some considerations to share. In the TV show trailer, a character says that anything is possible in New York. I have written something very similar in my book, but what are the conditions of these possibilities? Why do the “new rich” need to feel like they belong?

Success depends on many factors

Collective imagination usually nurtures overcoming stories, but we don’t consider all the factors. Usually, we ignore the people involved in one’s success. And, of course, we completely forgot about similar narratives that had very different outcomes. Arriving in a city without knowing anyone is neither a recipe nor a guarantee for success. It can even have opposite consequences.

We, humans, evolved as a group. It was living in tribes that we joined forces to defeat common enemies. Studies show that we are in the loneliest era in our entire history. We are disconnected from the group, which generates depression and anxiety. Any relationship with the number of antidepressants sold annually is not purely coincidental.

To be “whoever you want,” you need more than a simple desire. One needs a community to change one’s reality. Achieving something depends on your will and the support of people glad to work to ensure the mental security you need to achieve your goals.

Wanting is like the beginning of a road. It would help if you had essential tools such as a vehicle, a map, knowledge, and other elements to get from point A to point B. Maybe you can even arrive at your destination without that but expect a more turbulent and painful path.

Belonging is essential

According to studies by writer Johann Hari, we are (as a society) more depressed and anxious than ever before because we are taught to value individuality over the collective, which is our instinct. Psychologically, we need to feel that we belong to live happier.

Achievements are collective consequences, even if only one person gets the trophy. Being “whatever you want” is only possible through a combination of factors, including the support of your community.

To be a foreigner, in essence, is not belonging. I’ve been looking for friends since I arrived in the United States. I found some but also had a few disappointments.

Until recently, I didn’t understand why I kept putting myself in difficult situations to meet new people. Now, I think I’ve found out. – I like to know the reason for things. I believe it is essential to understand where my frustration comes from and to know the logic behind my actions.

I discovered what I felt when I first moved is similar to Johann’s TED Talk message: it’s impossible to be “whoever I want,” feeling isolated and disconnected from my surroundings. It feels good to know that because of the many factors necessary to have a success story, one of the few within my reach is being open to creating and nurturing healthy relationships.

I think knowing makes things seem possible.