Ok, so I learned how to love myself. I learned how to fight. I got the permission I needed to write, so I sat and wrote, right? Wrong. Beyond my passion and my goals lives a more subjective factor, someone I don’t have total control over despite my best efforts, that is me.

Living a creative life is not easy

I grew my skills to be a writer and increased my self-confidence to show my work. Living a creative life is not easy; there isn’t an ultimate guide to being a successful writer; you struggle to find mentors (I read books), and there is no clear path.

There are no rules, and oh my god! I love rules! I love knowing what to expect! I love certainty! I love to see the things I do. That’s why I worked as a movie producer for such a long time. I could see the final product and talk about the process with my colleagues. I could touch my value by buying things I could afford with my work, but being a writer is a little bit different.

You write and get rejected thousands of times before getting published. I’m not even published yet, but I know the process. The first one to abandon my work is me. I never feel like an idea is worth the time, and when I do work on something, it is never good enough.

I work on an idea for a few months or years and convince myself to pitch my work just to deal with another rejection. It is the game. People will say it is how the whole thing works.

Achieving professional goals is more than fowling the rules

I’m finally getting to the 100% unmeasurable element that guides all of us, the human factor. Behind everyone’s goals is everyone’s insecurities, impostor syndrome, past experiences, families, culture, and all other social and psychological aspects that make us unique.

I know how things work when I procrastinate when I’m depressed and not in the mood for another rejection. I know the Pomodoro method to stop procrastinating. I know I am less productive during my period. I see a therapist once a week, exercise three times a week, meditate, read, and write every day.

I learned how to fight

I pitch my work every once in a while, and the rejection doesn’t kill me, but knowing the deal doesn’t change how it affects me, the human behind the social rules.

Knowing those things doesn’t change that I will feel everything again when I decide to start over. By the end of the day, I question if I’m doing the right thing even without seeing the results. I try to convince myself that I’m learning and having room for improvement is great. I keep looking for a reason to continue because there is nothing else I want to do with my life.

I felt sorry for myself many times

I’m not going to lie. I felt sorry for myself numerous times over the past ten years. “Oh, goddess, why couldn’t I be just a “normal” person? Why do I want to write at all? What a curse for such a small human being, the curse of inspiration.”

I don’t feel sorry for myself anymore. Not because I know the universe’s reasons, but because I understand my motivations for doing things a certain way despite all the warnings.

Knowing the “success formula” doesn’t change me on the inside. I understand it is not about the formula at all. It is about how I can manage my human instincts of self-protection, anxiety, and fear to put myself out there again and manage the consequences.

Have you ever felt like fighting against your instincts to achieve your goals?

Anxiety, fear, and shame are not leaving, but I won’t freeze again because I understand how they work during my writing process. It is not easy to calm my feelings, but it is the least I can do.