When does a person know she (or he) became an adult? Maybe I’m too old for this kind of question, but it is a little weird, right? Seeing yourself as a full-function human being. No parents are needed. I am (you are too) fully responsible for everything I do in the world. I don’t mean to panic you, but I’m a little panicked.

I have a friend who has used the same Converse-Chuck Taylor-All-Star shoes since fifteen. She doesn’t need a new model. When her shoes get old, she buys another one—the same. Not even the company has the same name – In my time, we called it All-Stars pure and simple – but she has used the same sneakers for 17 years. I think this is the most adult thing a person can do.

I still don’t have a favorite sneaker. I had phases, but I changed so much that I can’t remember what made me like All-Stars when I was young. I know teenagers are discovering the world, trying everything as fast as possible so they can have a favorite and stick to it for the rest of their lives. I still feel like a teenager discovering a whole new world whenever I have to buy shoes, clothes, or anything for that matter. I don’t have a favorite thing, maybe a color, but that’s it! There are no favorite shoes, bags, magazines, restaurants, or places to go.

My favorite thing is to change

As I did in the past, I think moving so much didn’t help. I had to adapt, and every city has its demands. How am I supposed to choose a favorite shoe in NYC? Don’t tell me to wear a Timberland boot the whole year. I won’t. They are not cute. I’m more a Sex And The City kind of girl, but it is impossible to be a SATC girl in NYC. We use the subway and walk many miles a day (do you have a term to say ‘many miles’ in a more ‘cool’ way? In Portuguese, we say kilometers. Not cool.).

This year, I read “How Should A Person Be” by Sheila Heti. Of course, she doesn’t have an answer for the title of her book. Nobody does. We follow patterns and rules, hoping to fit in society, communities, or our own homes.

Some people use the rules but don’t follow them. Some choose what laws they are following. Rules have their shades. Is it also hard for you? I get overwhelmed.

I think rules are a helpful way of finding out how you should be

Learn with the rules. If you don’t know what to do with your life, you can go to school college. Then you get a job. It’s fair. You can try to find out who you are while doing those things. You may be lucky to have great teachers and mentors, and voila! You know who you are! Maybe you are not so fortunate, and that’s ok too.

Sometimes we get lost. Sometimes it looks like we are never going to find our favorite sneakers. Sometimes we will get angry and feel alone. Sometimes we will accept changing all the time. There are many rules in the world, but how you should be is a rule only you can define for yourself. This is hard, mainly because we want to fulfill expectations. Our own and our parents’, friends’, society’s and industry’s expectations.

I’ll tell you a secret, maybe the only thing I know about how a person should be

We are not one thing. We combine our DNAs, history, experiences, knowledge, and desires. We are molded by propaganda, news, work, and friends every day. We are a sum of all we live daily and subtracting everything that is not us.